A relationship psychologist reveals the "20 minute game changer" struggling married couples should try to save the relationship before filing for divorce. "

Dr Kathy Nickerson, 50, suggests when marriages begin to feel stagnant, the couple can grow apart and look to divorce.

But the clinical psychologist, from Orange County, California, US, said there are measures couples can take to bring the romance back.

Unlike what might assume, she says it's important to "prioritise reconnection" before jumping into having heavy conversations about your problems."

Dr Kathy suggests this can be done by complimenting each other and spending time doing fun things as a couple - as well as having "a 20 minute conversation" each day."

Where there's a lack of intimacy, this should be tackled by scheduling "no pressure" touch time first - such as holding hands and cuddling, before jumping into bed."

And when conversations often turn into arguments, she believes spouses should work out their own attachment styles in order to resolve conflicts before they happen.

Dr Kathy said: "As relationship problems grow or disconnection happens, people don't feel in love so much and everything feels negative."

"I always try to remind people that your feelings can change again - what you feel now might not be how you always feel."

Dr Kathy says couples can begin to feel 'like roommates' when partners become busy and they struggle to connect emotionally as a result - leading them to consider divorce.

She believes the hardest part is spotting the point where couples begin to disconnect.

But once identified, Dr Kathy says the first step is to "make a cushion of positivity" before diving into deep negative conversations."

She said it's better to "build up some goodwill" first, so the conversation has a more positive influence."

Dr Kathy said: "First, the couple needs to reconnect - and remember why they like each other."

"There's wisdom to saying 'I know we need to talk about this, and we will. But we need to build some positivity first.'"

Dr Kathy suggested "rebuilding shared joy" by doing an activity together that you both enjoy, and scheduling in time for regular activities such as a date nights and shared hobbies."

She says increasing genuine praise and compliments towards your partner can help build the emotional strength back up too.

And aim for a "20 minute conversation every day" - about something neutral, or positive."

Dr Kathy believes another major problem that can lead to couples heading for divorce is a loss of intimacy - leading to a sexless marriage and general discontent.

She says overcoming this entails acknowledging the issue, not in a way that suggests blame, but with "care and compassion"."

She said: "If you build up the feelings that make you want to be intimate again, then the intimacy should, theoretically, follow."

"If a couple comes in that haven't had sex in years, the homework won't be to 'go home and have sex tonight'."

"It'll be focusing on rebuilding the connection - like holding hands and cuddling - rebuilding the feelings of safety in physical touch."

Dr Kathy says couples should make a plan together, focusing on validation and appreciation - and then schedule "no pressure physical touch time"."

This can help to "restore comfort and familiarity" - and over time couples can work up to sexual intimacy gradually."

Another issue comes from a communication breakdown, such that conversations often escalate into fights, become disrespectful, or are avoided entirely.

In this case, Dr Kathy says the couple should focus on discovering their own attachment styles - to uncover the crux of the issue.

She said: "Beneath each fight is something you're needing but not getting."

"If you give up and run away because a fight feels painful, you may be avoidant - but if you chase your partner for reassurance, you might be anxious."

"If you start to notice yourselves feeling that way you can work on doing something different."

"For example, I used to feel anxious myself, so I would tell myself 'I'm not going to chase' and I'd go and sit outside in my rocking chair instead."

"I found ways to reassure myself - learning to self-soothe and regulate can change the cycle of the fight."

Dr Kathy says every issue boils down to a root cause of conflict, distance or disconnection - even an argument about the laundry often exposes deeper issue.

"With who does the laundry, that argument can come from feeling inequality," she said."

"Maybe it's 'I don't think you care about sharing labour with me', 'I feel less than you', 'I feel a power imbalance', or 'I don't think you care about my free time'."

Dr Kathy says there are lots of opportunities to prevent a breakdown in a relationship before heading for divorce, as long as both parties are willing to try.

She added: "Just because you don't feel love for a person right now doesn't mean you never will again."

Dr Kathy's tips to try before filing for divorce -
- Aim for a daily 20-minute conversation when possible.
- Increase genuine praise and compliments, focusing on what your partner gets right rather than what's wrong.
- Plan and schedule regular activities - date nights, weekend outings, or shared hobbies - to keep connection intentional and consistent.
- Make a plan together to rebuild a physical connection, starting with emotional closeness first.
- Schedule "no pressure" physical touch time - holding hands, cuddling, sitting close - to restore comfort and familiarity. "
- Work up to sexual intimacy gradually, prioritizing mutual pleasure, comfort, and emotional safety.
- Learn about attachment styles and explore how your style influences the way you fight and respond in conflict.
- Practice self-soothing and self-regulation techniques - deep breathing, pausing before responding, or taking a short break when emotions run high.